Consultants, Marketing Experts, and My Cat’s furry balls

So there are large IT consulting companies that have over 100,000 employees. They have some really smart cats in the room and then there are some cats that know cats that know other cats that can do things that other cats can’t do.  They call it network/business consulting and most real estate brokers are notorious for doing this. For example they sell homes and make a living of off of the commission to do almost nothing.  Did they do a lot of work? that’s all about perspective, some people say it’s hard work, they have to go to school or study and get their real estate license, learn about estimates and repairs, calculate the market etc etc.  On the other side of the coin, some people disagree and say its the easiest fucking job in the world, just show up in a suit when you need people to sign the paper work and the rest of the day you are sitting around doing nothing with your hand in your ass.

Take a look at this list of skills that make a great IT (information technology) consultant and out of the ones I’ve met in my life, I would honestly say.

  • Technical skills (FAIL: That’s why most consultants aren’t programmers or techs.)
  • Business skills (WIN: Wear a Fucking suit and tie, programmers dress with a hoodie like Mark Zuckerberg, James Goseling, or Jan Koum probaly don’t really give a fuck about appearance.)
  • Communication skills (WIN: Sound like a winner even though you’ve never won)
  • Management skills (WIN: Programmers care about coding, not about hiring and firing people. Consultants would fire their own mom if they can find a cheaper employee.)
  • Advisory language skills (WIN: Programmers can’t say your project fucking sucks. and it probably does fucking suck )
  • Technical language skills (FAIL: The only technical language they know is the word: intuitive, it’s easy. it’s intuitive. Check out this iphone app, it so intuitive and easy to use that I have to charge you to use it RAWR!)
  • Outsourcing. (WIN. This is probably only thing consultants are really good at. They figured a way to find the cheapest person on the planet that will do the job. We are not talking about the best, just the cheapest.  If you spend 25 cents on top ramen and eat that shit everyday fucking day for the rest of your life, you’ve just spent less than a hundred dollars for food per year. But your soul and meaning of life would have gone to shit.

programmers

This is how billionaire/millionaire or average programmers usually dress up to important business meetings. (mic drop)

I have a very low opinion about consultants and ironically, I have people asking me to be their consultant, I tell them I will teach you how to code and if you want to call that consulting you can but there’s a difference.  Tutoring, Learning new code, teaching, and helping individuals how to code or actual web development is a much more satisfying goal for me than hiring

a person who knows another person that knows another person who knows another person to do the work.

 

outsource-customer-serviceDon’t give your money to some random babysitter, give your gold to your mother, father, and grandparents while you give your children a shovel so the can learn how to dig for gold.

I want to imagine that a client who needs help is like a child, they are smart and have the ability to learn, so teach that child or client how to grow instead of looking for a babysitter or substitute that’s going to throw some stupid video at them to watch and the next day they feel a bit cheated but somehow complacent.  I get it, everyone wants to be a chef, a rockstar, a leader, a captain, or supastar (I mispelled that with a bit of sarcasm) in this global economy.   One of the most insecure thing I hear from these consultants and believe me, I hear this stupid shit every fucking month.

“I’ve been doing this for 20 years (blah blah blah) so I don’t need you to tell me what to do.”

So why are you asking me (Ken) to help you Mr or Mrs. Consultant?  and why don’t know how to press the save button that is on located on the right side of the page?  Did your ego and over confidence do something to hinder your skills or is it something else?   That’s when I realized that you just lost and you have no idea how to save the sinking ship.  The consultant is first one to jump off the Titanic before the children.

Let’s be honest here, information is one of the most important commodities in life.  The sad thing is the people who have that knowledge can’t guarantee that they will use it for good or evil.  Even Google said a while back but they are a corporation with a lot of people who worship money over every principle or moral value.  Once again, there’s a lot of captains on the IT (information technology) ship, but there aren’t enough people that know how to navigate or fix the engine or check if there are enough lifeboats in case of an emergency.  You want to sail in the right direction and have a back up plan. There’s no way around it.

 

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